I'm thinking....
"I am thinking" she said, "but sometimes my head...

My back is broken and my perception is distorted. Fifteen months ago I began getting shorter as the vertebrae began collapsing upon one another.  I am five inches shorter than I was then and my I cannot see things from the same vantage point that I did then.  The light is not so bright down here and I cannot see above the clouds.

All of my clothes are too long and straight back is rounder.  Two vertebrae poke out of the middle of my spine; they bump against the back of chairs and create a keel when I lay on the floor.  My guts are pressed and compressed within a smaller space so that my stomach bulges and my waist is thicker.  The waistband of my pants and skirts ride high under my breasts like maternity clothes.

I take codeine for the pain but it does nothing to defeat the pain completely.  I plan my days in terms of pain levels.  I save the codeine for times of activity and endure the discomfort in between.  There is not enough codeine on the planet to make me feel normal again.  Sometimes I wear a back brace; when I am going to be on my feet for a long time it provides a little support.  But it will ultimately destroy what muscle strength I have left in my trunk. My 'trunk'; today they call it the 'core'.  Whatever.  I want to stretch upward, lift my breast and stretch myself upwards.  I want to relieve the pressure at my core; the constant pressure like an early labor that endures without pause until I lay down on soft cushions. 

But then the restless limbs spring into action and I cannot lie still for long.  I think they are restless because they no longer get adequate exercise.  I can no longer stretch and bend and flex and arch my limbs.  I no longer dance and leap and pirouette.  I think they are restless because I cannot get enough potassium but I do not know when or why I began thinking this; it was so long ago when my children were still at home.

Some days I feel very sorry for myself and I cry inside.  But all the time I am pretentious.  I pretend that I feel wonderful and my spirit is light and my energy is boundless.  What a fake.  Sometimes it works and I think about a good and possible things.  My friends think I am 'hyper active', 'ADHD' and an eternally happy person.  They do not know I am fundamentally lazy because I am constantly moving.  I cannot sit still; I cannot keep quiet.  I have to keep moving and pretending. 

Looking for the Words
What is that between the P and the Q?  I think there is something there but I can't quite make it out.

The Pages of  My Book
I think they are still being written and then I will begin at the beginning and change everything.